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La fin d’une ère // End of an era

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Graduate USAAlors que je viens d’obtenir mon diplôme en Sciences Politiques, au terme d’un long été de révisions, je reviens vers vous avec un article dédié au stress et à la gestion de celui-ci. A l’évidence, il n’est pas simple de vivre sa scolarité avec un handicap largement méconnu. Dur dur de mener de front examens universitaires et intestins en galère. 

As soon as I got my diploma in political sciences, after spending the summer studying, I wanted to come back with a post dealing with stress. It actually is very difficult to manage anxiety at the university while living with an unknown and invisible handicap. How to conciliate exams with uncontrolable bowels?

 

J’ai été diagnostiquée de la maladie de Crohn au terme de ma deuxième première année d’études supérieures, comme je vous l’expliquais ici. Mes premiers partiels, je les ai passés avec 9,6 de tension et sous antidépresseurs, autrement dit avec le cerveau aussi ramolli qu’un ravioli trop cuit. Les examens suivants, j’ai dû présenter une dérogation pour avoir le droit de sortir pendant les épreuves et un accès permanent aux toilettes, sous le regard étonné de mes pairs. Le semestre d’après, c’est en béquilles que je me suis présentée aux écrits, la cortisone me paralysant les articulations des genoux. Arf, que de mauvais souvenirs… Mais quelle fierté d’être aujourd’hui diplômée !

I’ve been diagnosed with Crohn’s at the end of my second first year of college, as I explained earlier here. I had the lowest blood pressure and was under antidepressants when I took my first exams, which basically meant my brain was going bananas. The time after that, I had to request a special derogation to be allowed to have access to the restrooms anytime I needed during the exams. Most students didn’t get why. The next semester, I walked on crutches to the written tests as my knees were hurting so bad because of the steroids. Hell of a patch to remember… which makes me even prouder to get my diploma today!

Par un doux dimanche de septembre, j’écoutais avec intérêt ma grande sœur et ma cousine – fraîchement trentenaire et trentenaire to be – prendre du recul sur la dernière décennie, clamant avec émotion que le temps passait bien trop vite et que de la vingtaine à la trentaine, la vie avait été douce et belle. Electrochoc dans ma petite tête pleine de dates et définitions inutiles : à l’aube de mes 25 ans, je ne partage absolument pas ce sentiment… Etre jeune c’est bien oui, mais être jeune et en bonne santé ça change tout !

On a recent sunny Sunday afternoon, I listened to my cousin and great sister – both on the verge of their 30s, discuss about their past ten years, claiming those were the best days of their lives. A shock suddenly hit my brain full of historical dates and unuseful definitions: how come, as I’ll be 25 next year, didn’t I agree on this one? Being young is obviously awesome, but being young and healthy is waaaaay better.

 Drama Queen Meme

Ces années d’université ont en effet été longues et angoissantes du fait de ma santé fluctuante. Un jardin secret bien difficile à partager, comme me l’ont rappelé certaines lors de mon premier article. Des déceptions, des rêves brisés, une incompréhension chronique, des réflexions désobligeantes et des remarques indélicates… En somme, beaucoup de solitude et une boule au ventre permanente que le stress des examens ne venait arranger en rien. Un comble puisqu’à l’époque, le tube de l’été « No Stress » produit par je ne sais plus quel DJ à la mode faisait figure d’hymne pour les jeunes valeureux qui venaient d’intégrer l’IEP !

Indeed, those years of college have been long and painful because of my health issues. This secret garden was difficult to share, as a few friends made me remember when I posted my first article on this blog. Between disapointments and broken dreams, the incomprehension of my peers and mean remarks, I felt very lonely and suffered a perpetual stomach ache, especially when exams where about to begin… Funny enough, at the time, the summer hit « No Stress » was playing everywhere!

Il faut reconnaître qu’avec mon redoublement, les partiels semestriels ont dès lors été source d’une angoisse prononcée, qui a en partie conduit au choc psychologique déclencheur de mon Crohn. Aussi, à l’approche des examens, j’entendais hurler mes intestins. Pas vraiment surprenant quand on enchaîne les cigarettes, que l’on descend des thermos de café pour pallier les carences alimentaires et la fatigue qui en découle, que l’on boit des litres et des litres de Coca light pour faire passer la nausée et qu’on ne s’alimente plus vraiment par peur de se retrouver prise de crises de diarrhées en plein milieu d’une épreuve déterminante (souvenir d’un TOEFL avorté pour une sortie éliminatoire). Immaturité quand tu nous tiens !

I must acknowledge the fact I doubled my first year was clearly part of the psychological shock that lead to Crohn’s. From then on, exams were a terrible source of anxiety. I could litterally hear my bowels cry when that period was about to come, which is not surprising since I was smoking my worries away, drinking cups of coffee to fight nutritional lacks and fatigue, also drinking gallons of diet Coke to make the nausea disappear… I ended up not eating anymore since I was fearing diarrhea during important exams (I remember having to quit the TOEFL test for this very particular reason). Crappy me filled with immaturity!

 Drink meee! by Phil Jones

Certes, il m’arrive encore aujourd’hui de céder à un Red Bull lorsque la fatigue a raison de moi, de fumer une dizaine de cigarettes avant l’annonce de résultats… La clé selon moi, c’est donc la modération. Se doper pour performer ne fait pas bon ménage avec un iléon inflammé. Boire du café oui, mais bien dilué ! Manger en faibles quantités car l’estomac est noué OK, mais s’alimenter un peu quand même sous peine de voir votre propre mère vous soupçonner d’anorexie ! Jusqu’à ce dernier oral diplômant, mon angoisse de l’examen a eu raison de moi, mais cette fois, cette ultime fois, mon corps a tenu bon. Merci le Rémicade, merci famille, amour et amis, merci le riz et les compotes Blédina, merci le fromage corse et les biscottes au sarrasin. Un esprit pas franchement serein dans un corps presque sain !

However, I still drink Reb Bull when I feel too tired, smoke when I’m too stressed (eg before the anouncement of my final exam result)… I guess the key to a healthy lifestyle is moderation. A crohnie might drink coffee, but it has to be diluated with water. A crohnie might eat lightly because of the pain, but eat anyways otherwise your own mother will fear you’ve become pro-ana! Until this very last oral exam, the anxiety has been tough on me. Except this very last time, my body held on. Thanks Remicade for working so well on me, thanks family, love and friends for the support, thanks rice and baby purées, thanks corsican cheese and blackwheat toasts. A highly stressed spirit in an almost sain body, that would be my modjo!

La morale de cet article, puisqu’il y en a une, c’est que tout vient à point à qui sait attendre. Qu’il semble long le temps lorsqu’aucun traitement ne tient la route ! Qu’elle est rude la vie étudiante quand l’intégration est limitée par les soucis de santé ! Qu’elles ont été douloureuses les angoisses de veille d’examens ! Mais qu’elle est belle la vie quand le corps retrouve sa vigueur, quand l’esprit s’émeut d’une telle attention et d’un soutien sans relâche des proches, qu’une page se tourne pour une nouvelle étape de la vie… Encore cinq ans avant la fin de cette décennie qui, à défaut d’avoir été la plus merveilleuse, aura été celle d’une véritable leçon de vie. Ce soir, je boirai avec modération mais avec une joie immense. Santé !

As a conclusion (I sware there is a conclusion to be remembered), all things come to those who wait. Time does seem very long when no treatment is effective. Student life does become rough when your integration rests on your health issues. Anxiety does hurt your body the day before an exam. But life does turn out beautiful when the body gets better, when the mind realizes the beloved ones help and support you through all this, when you manage to put an end to your studies and you’re able to look forward… Five years remaining before the end of my twenties, let’s make the best of it, as to draw the same conclusion as my sis and cuz by the time I’ll be turning 30. Tonight the only thing that will be moderate will be my drinking, not my happiness. Cheers!

 Cheers

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